Communication patterns, principles, and timing
Recommendations
# 1: Parents should use mutual constructive communication in their interactions
Strongly recommended
Strongly recommended
Parents should communicate and cooperate with each other
Parents should avoid conflict. They should try to interact, communicate and cooperate with each other. Communication is essential in order to transform and adapt to a new situation.
Parents should decide together on how often they interact or communicate about their children’s needs. Parents can discuss child-related issues in person on arranged times. The content of communication should also be decided upon beforehand. Examples of items to be discussed are:
- The children’s medical needs and educational needs;
- The children’s academic accomplishments and progress;
- The children’s personal problems;
- Special events;
- Personal problems that the children experience;
- Major decisions affecting; children
- Finances in regard to children;
- Problems in parenting;
- Decisions regarding children’s lives;
- Children’s adjustment.
What practitioners say
- Communicate at agreed moments. Parents should make a plan to speak about their problems face-to-face at specific moments, rather than reacting emotionally to things as they happen. They should find a quiet and private setting.
- Use positive (body) language. Parents should not be aggressive or defensive in the way they you communicate. They should be open and honest about their emotions but do it in a constructive way.
- Show respect. The parties should make each other feel respected in order to be able to effectively communicate.
Do not communicate negatively outside the family. Parties should be respectful about how they speak about their family. They cannot bad-mouth their family towards outsiders, nor share confidential information. - Where appropriate, make sure there is eye-contact – In some cultures, eye-contact encourages truth and understanding.
Resources and methodology
Recommendations 1 and 2
During the orientation process of the available literature, we were able to identify the following interventions:
- Mutual constructive communication
- Demand/withdraw communication
- Mutual avoidance
Mutual constructive communication is interactive, involves constructive problem-solving and focuses on avoiding conflict (Handbook, p. 203). Both parties try to engage in a mutual adaptive discussion (Diamond, p. 202). Demand/withdraw communication involves a pattern where one partner pursues more closeness and contact, while the other partner desires more distance and responds by withdrawing and avoiding (Handbook, p. 203). Mutual avoidance is typified by both partners avoiding communicating as much as possible (Handbook, p. 203). For the purpose of this topic, ‘mutual constructive communication’ will be compared with both ‘mutual avoidance’ and ‘demand/withdraw communication’ simultaneously. Because ‘demand/withdraw communication’ and ‘mutual avoidance communication’, and ‘constructive communication’ create different results in terms of psychological distance between spouses (Diamond, p. 199).
For the parents and children, is mutual constructive communication between parents more effective than mutual avoidance for their well-being?
The databases used are: HeinOnline, Westlaw, Wiley Online Library, JSTOR and Taylor & Francis.
For this PICO question, keywords used in the search strategy are: communication, spouses, patterns, rules, timing, divorce, children, relationship, parent.
- The main source used for this particular subject is The Handbook of Family Communication, edited by Anita L. Vangelisi. Three chapters have been used in particular, these being:
- Chapter 9, Communication in Divorced and Single-Parent Families, Julia M. Lewis, Judith S. Wallerstein and Linda Johnson-Reitz
- Chapter 13, Mothers and Fathers Parenting Together, William J. Doherty and John M. Beaton
- Chapter 19, Communication, ‘Conflict and the Quality of Family Relationships’, Alan Sillars, Daniel J. Canary and Melissa Tafoya
- Other sources used:
- Diamond and Brimhall, Communication During Conflict: Differences Between Individuals in First and Second Marriages (2013)
- Guy Bodemann, Andrea Kaiser, Kurt Hahlweg and Gabriele Fehm-Wolfsdorf, Communication patterns during marital conflict: A cross-cultural replication (1998)
The Handbook of Family Communication presents an analysis of cutting-edge research and theory on family interaction. It integrates perspectives of researchers and practitioners. Chapter 9 is mostly based on large-scale observational studies, and a few meta-analyses that help to understand what happens when families separate. Chapter 13 and 19 mostly rely on observational studies. Evidence can be regarded as being low to moderate.
Desirable outcomes
Communication between parents becomes more difficult and energy consuming after separation. Unexpected and overwhelming demands after separation results in less communication by the parents. Parents will need to communicate more often and effectively, so that the parenting styles of both parents are consistent (Handbook, p. 204). Research shows that mutual constructive communication is generally designated as the healthiest, most functional interactive pattern. Separated parents must be willing to interact, communicate and cooperate with each other regarding child-related issues, despite any feelings of rejection, remorse, bitterness, or anger. This is because parental responsibilities after separation continue to exist, and communication is essential to transform and adapt to accommodate to parents’ new roles (Handbook, p. 204).
The ability of separated parents to co-parent together, communicate about their children, to cooperate to set limits, to problem solve effectively and to provide consistent positive affective messages has a major influence on the ability of children to adjust after separation (Handbook, p. 205).
Undesirable outcomes
Mutual avoidance communication prevents the airing of thoughts and feelings surrounding relationship problems and impedes movement towards resolution (Diamond, p. 199).
Both avoidance and demand/withdrawal communication are correlated with lower relationship satisfaction (Bodenmann, p. 354).
Balance of outcomes
In determining whether mutual constructive communication between parents is more effective than mutual avoidance, for their well-being, the desirable and undesirable outcomes of both interventions must be considered.
The literature suggests that mutual constructive communication between parents is in the interest of the child. On the other hand, mutual avoidance and demand/withdrawal communication are correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and a lack of ability to move towards a resolution.
The balance is clearly towards the desired outcomes of mutual constructive communication.
Recommendation
Taking into account the balance towards the desired outcomes, the effect on children’s well-being and the strength of the evidence, we make the following recommendation: For the parents and children, mutual constructive communication between parents is effective than mutual avoidance, for their well-being.
Recommendation 3
The continuing relationship between divorced parents is a critical factor in the child’s postdivorce adjustment (Ahrons, p. 415). According to the literature, co-parental communication [sometimes referred to as co-parenting communication] requires parents to behave mutually supportive, cooperative and interactive. Parents interact quite frequently (Ahrons, p. 424-425). Co-parental communication is essential for a successful co-parental relationship. Elements of this intervention are (i) frequency of co-parental interaction, (ii) content of co-parental interaction and (iii) quality of co-parental communication (Ahrons, p. 417-418). We found this to be an important intervention to be tested.
First, co-parental communication requires both parents to decide how often they will interact or communicate about their children’s needs.
Second, co-parental communication also requires parents to decide the content of the co-parental interaction, in other words relevant topics for discussion. The topics which may be discussed include, medical needs, educational needs, children’s accomplishments and progress, child-rearing problems, special events for the children, personal problems children may be experiencing, major decisions regarding the children’s lives, finances in regard to children, problems in co-parenting, daily decisions regarding children’s lives, children’s adjustment to the divorce etc (Ahrons, p. 419).
The third element requires that both parents assess the quality of their interaction, in other words whether arguments arise, whether the atmosphere is one of hostility or anger or whether the conversations are stressful or tense etc. (Ahrons, p. 417-418).
For purpose of the PICO question we compare having a co-parental communication plan with not having one.
For divorced or separated parents, is having a co-parental communication plan more effective than not having one, for their and their children’s well-being?
The databases used are: HeinOnline, Westlaw, Wiley Online Library, JSTOR and Taylor & Francis, Peace Palace Library.
For this PICO question, keywords and/or phrases used in the search strategy are: shared-parenting, non-custodial parent, children’s well-being, co-parenting, child-rearing.
The main sources used for this particular subject are:
- Constance R. Ahrons, The Continuing Coparental Relationship Between Divorced Spouses (1981)
- Kathleen A. Camara and Gary Resnick, Styles of Conflict Resolution and Cooperation Between Divorced Parents: Effects on Child Behavior and Adjustment (1989)
- Eleanor E. Maccoby, Charlene E. Depner & Robert H. Mnookin, Coparenting in the Second Year after Divorce (1990)
The article by Ahrons reports findings from an empirical investigation of the relationship between divorced spouses one year following their divorce. Camara and Resnick’s article reports findings from a study of family functioning following separation. The study suggests ways in which the parents’ ongoing relationship, both as former spouse and as co-parents may moderate the effects of divorce on their children. Their analysis is part of a larger research. Maccoby et al, describe the kind and degree of co-parenting being maintained by a group of divorcing families approximately 18 months after parental separation. According to the HiiL Methodology: Assessment of Evidence and Recommendations, the strength of this evidence is classified as ‘moderate’.
Desirable outcomes
Non-custodial parents who have a cooperative relationship with their former spouses have contact with their children more frequently and have longer visits with their children compared to those with less cooperative relationships with former spouses (Camara & Resnick, p. 571).
Parents having a mutually supportive and cooperative co-parenting relationship interact quite frequently and share much more besides child-rearing. For example they discuss their children as well as their extended families and mutual friends. Occasionally, some divorced parents spend time together, for example when celebrating significant events such as birthdays or school plays and some holidays (Ahrons, p. 424-425).
Separated parents who cooperate with each other around issues of visitation, discipline, family routines, and celebrations, and in meeting the child’s developmental needs, and who use negotiation and compromise when disagreements occur, are more likely to have children who are social with other children, who engage in more positive play behaviour with other children, and who have higher self-esteem. Children’s exposure to positive methods of conflict resolution provides them with information regarding how conflicts can be handled (Camara & Resnick, p. 572).
A continued, cooperative and mutually supportive relationship between separated parents reduces the crisis-potentiating stress associated with divorce (Ahrons, p. 416).
Undesirable outcomes
Parents who very rarely or never share child-rearing decisions are more conflictual and significantly less supportive of each other (Ahrons, p. 423-424).
Strategies used by parents to manage conflict which involve verbal attacks or physically violent behavior toward the other parent, or avoidance of the other parent, are associated with poorer child adjustment. Parents who use these negative strategies in response to disagreements with each other are also less likely to develop a cooperative coparental relationship (Camara & Resnick, p. 572).
Children exposed to angry, hostile or avoidant responses between parents who disagree may receive different messages about the handling of conflict situations. That is, these children may learn (directly or indirectly) that the way to resolve a disagreement with a peer is to be verbally or physically aggressive, or to avoid a possible conflict by walking away from the other child, or to withdraw completely from any social situation in which conflict may arise (Camara & Resnick, p. 572).
If parents do not communicate cooperatively, there may be increased opportunities for children to ‘play-off’ one parent against the other, the result being a weakening of effective parental supervision (Maccoby et al, p. 142).
Balance of outcomes
In determining whether co-parental communication is more effective than not applying it, for divorced or separated parents’ (and their children’s) well-being, the desirable and undesirable outcomes of both interventions must be considered.
A co-parental relationship may benefit separated spouses because they may support each other in ensuring that their child or children’s interests are upheld. Co-parental communication requires parents to come up with an agreement or plan of what, when and how they will attend to their children’s needs. It thus requires compromise and mutual respect from both parties in order to be effective. Conversely, not having a co-parental relationship may hamper a child’s development because the needs of the child will not be adequately addressed by both parents.
Recommendation
Taking into account the balance towards the desired outcomes, and the strength of the evidence, we make the following recommendation: Having a co-parental communication plan is more effective than not.
